Toxic Productivity: You Don't Have to Over and Outdo Yourself In this Pandemic

I want to talk about something I’m calling toxic productivity. You may have heard of toxic masculinity, and toxic positivity. These ideas are so engrained in us that we forget that blindly adhering to them can actually harm us and negate the very experiences that signify them. Ok, that sounds too academic.

Let’s just say toxic positivity does absolutely no favors to one’s emotional health. Imagine you share with a friend your struggles, and you’re met with such dismissive, invalidating gems as, “Cheer up.” Or, “It’s not that bad,” or “Don’t worry about it,” or, my very most favorite example of toxic positivity: “Relax.” (I bet someone has done studies to show that when you tell someone to relax, most people’s bodies automatically do the opposite!)

Toxic masculinity is a whole other kettle of fish, but loosely speaking, it reinforces and in some ways celebrates and prioritizes those stereotypical, culturally acceptable “masculine” behaviors—telling our sons to buck up, chin up, don’t cry, and so forth. These attitudes don’t help anyone. Just because you have a penis doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings, don’t cry, or are incapable of expressing compassion or sensitivity. Ultimately, these examples are about negating our experiences, denying them, trying to transform them to unconsciously appease other people and maybe make ourselves feel better or fit in. But they mostly perpetuate negative behavior, the kind of behavior that builds up walls even further and can further push others away. Toxic positivity and masculinity are conversation enders; they’re definitely not bids for engagement.

Now what’s that got to do with productivity? Well, here’s the thing. I saw something recently, I don’t even remember where, but it was some meme online whose basic gist was If you’re not being productive or learning something or changing something in yourself or your house or your life during this period of extreme isolation—if you are basically not making good use of your time—you’re doing the pandemic All Wrong. I then saw someone really beautifully respond to it in a very grounded, compassionate spiritual way and it prompted me to first and foremost jump off social media for a little while. And then this was all tumbling around in my head, and I felt compelled to write this post.

It’s no accident I saw this meme on social media, because like oxygen, Toxic Productivity needs the external validation of social media in order to feed itself. And that’s partly what makes it so toxic—it masquerades as a bid for engagement but more often than not, it’s ego-driven behavior.

(I also resisted the ironic urge to post this link on social media—I am not perfect or immune to any of this either. Don’t get me wrong—this is, to some extent, my struggle, too. And don’t get me wrong—This isn’t a simple screed against social media. It has the power to do an incredible amount of good, and I really do enjoy using it most of the time. It has brought me closer to many people and permitted me to know others in far flung places. But it seems to do hold this power indiscriminately; and therefore, we need to be mindful of it. But I digress . . .!)

Think about the bigger picture with me for a minute. Americans more often than not prize productivity. Efficiencies. They save time, money, effort, etc. I get it. It’s something we do well and capitalism favors it.. (Thinking about the automobile right now, for example.) Sometimes it’s really gratifying—I’m all about kitchen efficiency, for example. But when you add in the very heavy dash of excessive sharing that’s happening because people need an outlet and the walls are closing in, it's like a Productivity Self-Improvement Parade. You’d think the whole world was putting on an addition to their home, starting a new business, learning a foreign language, reading the entire works of Shakespeare, learning how to make paella, doing 10,000 burpees everyday. And then immediately, automatically sharing it, in such a showy way, as if to say, ”Look at me. Look at what I am doing. I am being a useful citizen.”

The mere act of posting what you’re doing, in the context of the stay-at-home pandemic, is not necessarily a bid for engagement. It’s an unconscious bid for validation, and that, on the surface, is not necessarily a negative thing. However, more often than not, I’d argue the mere presence of a showy share on social media, right now, can easily generate much worse than the usual psychological side effects of jealousy, inadequacy, feeling “not enough.” Heck, it’s not even about FOMO (fear of missing out).—cause come on, we’re ALL missing out on stuff right now but technically there’s nothing to miss out on. Unless it’s fear of missing out on someone’s free Zoom call to tell you how to do XYZ. Or someone else’s Facebook live. Or something that someone else is doing that’s not what you’re doing and is therefore more interesting. Or so our brains have us think!

No, I’d argue that what we’re looking at here is FEAR OF DOING NOTHING. Most people do NOT want to sit still for more than 10-15 minutes. There’s nothing interesting about it. There’s nothing productive or to literally show for spending your day relaxing, reading a book, listening to music, napping, cooking a lazy dinner, or what have you. Nobody cares if you do nothing. There’s nothing to “share” about doing “nothing.” If a tree falls in Brooklyn…. you know how the saying goes. But I care, because I want you to do a whole lot of what seems like “nothing.” We have permission to slow down right now. I get it. It’s not easy. But in doing “nothing” you are actually permitting a whole lot more to happen on an internal level that will shift you more than you can possibly or immediately realize. Layers, people. They’re always there, waiting to be peeled back.

There’s nothing wrong with taking care of your property, learning a new skill, or what have you. But what’s the impetus? Do we feel like we SHOULD fix our house because we have time? Do we feel like we HAVE TO keep working out because we will feel terrible or gain weight? Why do we need to be so damned competitive with ourselves? Why do we need to tell everybody every little thing we are doing, all the time, as a culture? This is really peculiar, if you stop and think about it.

Did you let that sink in for a moment?

Ok. Let’s go on…..

The pandemic has taken the best and worst of social media and exploded these tendencies, times infinity. And that’s partly what makes it so unbearable and frustrating. You do feel sometimes like you miss out on something important because it is the nation’s water cooler. I’ve been using it for job leads—but less so, since the pandemic. How do you get to the good stuff? There’s no filter at the table. In between every bragging, obnoxious family member who’s glomming onto the virtual conversation and spoiling it with their annoying political memes or latest Snopes disproven forward about Irene Ken who knows how to treat coronavirus because she’s a nurse, there’s the favorite aunt who has something to say that will simply make you feel better. The problem? No one can see or hear her because she’s not, algorhythmically speaking, able to get a word in edgewise. She gets drowned out by the barrage of unpredictable statements, forwards, declaration of facts, figures and the latest celebrity to have Covid-19. This Wild West, this insanity, prompted my sister to wisely describe social media as “a dumpster fire” right now. Do you want to watch it? Do you want to stoke it? We can’t possibly douse it at this point, but we can voluntarily step back and contribute less oxygen to it.

If and when you take a step back, think about this for just a second. This idea that you should be DOING SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE during a pandemic other than taking good care of yourself, your family, and doing work if you are blessed (mixed blessing maybe for some) to have it, should be more than enough. This shit is exhausting. We are going through a collective, global trauma. I’m not going to gloss over that or advocate living in a bubble, with our hands over our ears (not completely, at least).

But let’s think about this. How do we cope? Maybe with lots of oversharing, but does that really make us feel better, or does it gloss over the inchoate sadness and emotional paralysis that can set in? Does it reinforce our separateness because people are sniping and arguing about who is and isn’t doing proper social distancing? Do we really need to voluntarily flagellate ourselves with the barrage of negativity in our feeds, and then automatically disappear into over-activity to escape and maybe cope? Do we need to become numb in order to cope? I have definitely gone into shut down just to get through the day sometimes, but I’d rather go into shutdown and then feel things the next day then go on autopilot and crash, super hard at the point of no return, when the black box navigation gets totally lost. These pauses let us stay on course.

What if we sat with all these difficult emotions and just let ourselves feel them? And then pass through us, without judgment? Yeah, here’s the yoga brain talking. Could we sit then learn how to really sit with each other, virtually or literally? Would we know how to engage with each other in meaningful ways?

What would that look like, if we dropped the outwardly focused social exchanges and went within, for even just a day? If we gave ourselves permission to read, journal, make art, reflect, create something beautiful just because, do a puzzle, or just take a nap in the afternoon if you are so blessed to be able to do so. In other words, we did “nothing,” which is really something that just felt good to us to do it. And we didn’t share it with other people. How would the experience change? How would we change? What if we actually talked to a friend because we felt moved to, because we’re walking and think of them and call them instead of texting? Or just randomly FaceTime a loved one because you can’t see them in person? These are life-altering times and these moments that we can seize, if we can see them, take them and share them, are little gifts. No one has to know. The satisfaction is solitary, or maybe it’s shared among a select few who experience it.

How we respond matters, both as individuals and as a collective. Are we learning new ways to take care of ourselves, and our loved ones and communities? How are we irrevocably changing our future by the way we are engaging with the present? What will life look like after this? What will our communities look like? How will we approach social media after this? Will its importance shift once we are able to see each other in person?

I, for one, would like to even more mindfully create meaning and authenticity in the connections with the people I love. And this introvert is thinking about throwing a big party and everyone gets at least one hug. “You get a hug!” You get a hug!” (say it like Oprah…) But seriously. Take a social media break for a couple days (or more) and see what kind of space opens up in your mind, body, and spirit. All those platforms will still be there when you return, if you return. I for one hope to return with a renewed sense of engagement, once I’ve taken the time to really meaningfully engage with myself and my family and friends in other more immediate, less passive ways. (And when the showiness dies down!) Social media does hold the potential to do such tremendous good. But in the meantime, if you do take a break, you’re likely to encounter a whole lot of silence, a whole lot of thinking and maybe a whole lot of feeling. And that’s ok. This will pass, and your thoughts and feelings are not in charge.

And then go call someone you love. They’re happy to hear from you, always.